Oh Shadow,

Your time has almost come. May you always be my shadow, following me as the sun sets.

I loved your name

I love your name
The way it is simple yet unique
and how it sounds like a song

I love your style
The sweet smell of your perfume
and how I would immerse in it
The jewelry that hangs from you
and how it decorates your white skin
The way you wear your clothes
and how you would take them off

I love the way you look
The flawless skin that covers you
and how smooth it is against me
The bright glow of your face
and how its covered with innocence
The way your body is free and revealed
and how its naked next to me

I love your heritage
The way you speak fast Spanish
And how much of your slang I don't know
The way you eat ham with everything
and how what you cook hurts my stomach
The way that our cultures are from the same roots
and how they are just too different

I love the idea of you
I loved the thought of you
But I never loved you at all

???

So the question is, what is the source of happiness? Does it flow out of the universe or emanate from a god? Does it run deeply within ones veins? Or, must you deny yourself your hopes and dreams to obtain it? Can it be achieved through the assistance of another or does it only come from oneself? Is it a decision, an attitude, or simply based on accomplishments? Is it a secret or known by all? Could it ever be mine?

3

TV has a way of healing your problems vicariously through the characters they present. Mallrats made me happy. It just had a way of affirming my lot in life and was a great distraction from loneliness and boredom. Even dorky people like myself find love and are accepted for who they are. I also love their dialog...damn I wish I could speak the way they do!

Something weird happened yesterday. I was at my friends house with whom I have a complicated history. We were watching movies and what not. The guy she was talking to came to her house to pick up his toothbrush so she just went outside and took care of that. To be honest I was a little shocked that she didnt have me meet him...why wouldn't she?

In other news, old news...its hard to move on. It is only hard in these moments...the lonely ones. Other than that I am fine. I really want to talk to her! I dont know why because I dont like her anymore persay. It might be my ego or pride. I am not sure. I just need school to start so I can see some honies haha. 27 bitches...I got some time.

What do I want from you? I cannot answer that question. Do I want the power to say I told you so? Do I want any power at all? Am I looking for an "I love you" or maybe "I hate you and I never want to see you again"?

Closure would be nice but that doesn't come to those who are as confused as I. Sometimes you just have to hold onto simple answers and assume they will explain it all.

I guess its my fault, I was pretty naive to think that my life was beginning to work out. These issues tend to not fix themselves and end so easily. I neglected the true work that needs to be done to have life be full of meaning. I also settled in some ways. I didn't speak my mind enough and "no" should have been said a little more often.

I have also realized that words have little weight to them and that truth can be conditional to circumstance. I just need to be cautious with my heart and realize that my ethereal thoughts do not reflect on reality.

Hahaha, now I feel like I will be 27 the next time I get into a relationship. This notion is based on crude mathematics and a vauge analysis of patterns.

p.s.

Can't blame the big one for this...I did it all on my own.

Almost always...

What does it mean to live and to live well?

I don't know...

Dissatisfied, that is a word I could use to describe my condition. I felt that some of my hopes and dreams were becoming realities but they have remained ethereal. There is a theoretical pause on those dreams, with no certainty that they will come to pass. I have realized that my dissatisfaction is the symptom of one immature desire, to get what I want. I am not getting what I want.

I am at a loss of control or maybe I just never had it to begin with. I have made the decision to leave God as a form of taking control over my life. It didn't work. Yet, my pride will not let me change that decision. This was one of the biggest choices I have made in my life. I don't want to admit that I was wrong in it because then I would have to face God again. No one wants to be wrong. I don't want to be wrong.

I am wrong.
Almost always.

I do...

I do not know what I want...but I know that I do not want this.