Thanks 2008, the year of broken circles...

I know...it has been a long time.

There is a confusion deep within my soul. It is painful. My tears seep out of my eyes but they originate from the very depth of who I am. I do not know what it means to live. My life has been this array of fake dreams and broken promises.

I smile and suppress all of these feelings. Alcohol, conversations, entertainment, those are my drugs. They are my happy distraction. I hate life. I know I do. The very structures that have been created, the foundations I stand upon have come crumbling down. I don't know how to live anymore. I just know how to dull the pain but that' not living; its dying. So what would be better, living a life of depression or fading away?

The greatest gift of hope and faith are my curse. They are what eat away at my soul and destroy my humanity. I wish I never had them. I wish I could see the word for the fuck up place that it is and not hope for it to be anything more. I wish I could just be normal so that I could be understood but I have to be some weird fuck that people dont understand and that can never be known, never.

Fuck it, no one reads this shit anyways.

Merry Christmas baby Jesus. Can't wait for New Years, this year of redemption is really just a year of being shat on. Thanks for a dying soul, you know it suits me well.

...

"Ive got some problems but we have ten dollars, that's enough to get us wasted before the night is over..."

:(

Evan is nobody's "I love you."

The Perfect Sunset

We sat there, her and I, upon a cliff overseeing the ocean. As the sun retreated towards the horizon, orange, red and purple rays painted the most beautiful piece of art right before our eyes. Silence stole the words from our lips; it was difficult to not be immersed within the awe that nature had created. But while she watched the heavens swirl into hundreds of stunning hues, my eyes were fixed on her.

Colored beams of light were faintly brushed on her fair skin, creating a stunning mosaic upon her face. I watched as the wind caused her dark hair to sway and mimic the waves of the ocean and as her bangs would briefly hide her thin gentle eyes. If you stared deeply, which I could not help but do, you could see the sunset mirrored within them. It was as if she and the sky were a part of the same painting. It was hard to tell where she ended and the heavens began.

Her whole body leaned toward the sky, away from me. With legs crossed, she snuggled one hand in between her thighs to warm it from the cool ocean air, while the other was held up to her face. Her fingers lightly rested in between her soft lips. With ever breath taken in, through her small round nose, she would exhale a kiss upon those fingers. Sighs of admiration and wonder were all the sounds that came from her. And as the sun progressed she became even more involved. I was overshadowed because I could not compete with the glory of the painted skies. Never could I be as beautiful as that work of art or as stunning as her. And so I remained invisible, hidden from her sight because she invested all of her attention into this feat of God.

Her body trembled like a soft quake as her lips quivered because of the chill in the air. The hooded sweater that embraced her tightly was not enough to fight off the cold. I knew that the warmth of my body covering hers would. But my intentions were greater than that. If I were to hold her, I would become a part of the beauty, joining in with her in being one with the sunset.

And so I raised my heavy arm to rest it on her shoulder. Fear, hope and longing danced within my chest as my hand came closer to her. The feelings only intensified as our bodies connected. My touch stole her eyes for a moment and in that time the oranges, reds, and purples were not within them. Now, she was distinct, an individual that was not a part of the masterpiece. The wind was no longer intertwining with her hair, no longer causing it to dance as if it was the ocean. The brilliantly colored rays had left her, causing her face to be covered in dull shadows. My arm retreats and scurries into my lap. Sinking into the shadows, I shift my position farther from her. Quickly, as if I was a mere distraction, she turned away diverting her attention back to the sky.

Once again she was beautiful, full of color and life while I remained in the darkness of the fast approaching night. And from that moment on I understood the truth; I was never meant to be included in that masterpiece.

Right na na na

Damn, I have peace and peace abundant.

I now understand God's faithfulness. He has made a miracle in my life by providing me with good friends and the ability to know him. I have been blessed in the area of relationships. He has given me people that it is easy to live life with, people who seem to share the same pace.

I feel good, really good.

"I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel."~Fall Out Boy

I have had some interesting thoughts and feeling swirling around in my head. I doubt that I will act upon them. No, I know that I won't. They are just thoughts and feelings, nothing more.

For the first time in the history of statistics I have actually finished all of my homework. I know its amazing and I know that you thought it couldn't be done. I had a good study session/hangout time with Ms. Y. It was nice to be productive. Getting stuff done = good.

I had a conversation with Chris today that was enlightening yet difficult. My image of god needs to die to make room for the real God to be revealed to me. It will be a painful process, one that I can not do much within. Yes, I can't really do anything to make the situation better. It is all on God. But since I don't really know him, no trust has been cultivated for him. Its this weird situation. I do not understand how it is all going to work out in the end and I don't know if I can say that I believe it will.

I do not know.

I do not know.

I can not pretend that I do.

P.S.

"And I read about the after life but I never really lived."~Fall Out Boy

None of this is real English.

I am a sprinter. I have always been.

When I was in high school I quickly realized that the most frequently tardy people were the ones that were in track and field. It was never the long distant runners, the vaulters or the jumpers. the sprinters would always be late. They would walk so slowly to class. The faster times they had, the slower they would normally walk. It would seem that 95% of the time they were the slowest walking human beings but man, that 5% made up for it all. They were as fast as lightning.

I am that kind of sprinter. I feel that the majority of my life has been a slow walk. I have my moments where I run as hard as I can but they are few. I have the potential to speed past but I don't do it.

If slow and steady wins the race then I will lose every time. I don't know if I believe that though. I think I just need to learn when to sprint. If I were to sprint often but for shorter distances, I think I would have a lot more time and energy to do what needs to be done.

This week I plan to not be wasteful with my time. I am not going to go on facebook or much on the computer in general. I am allowed to blog here and check my email but that's about it. I do this for a few reasons. I need to be diligent again and space to be intentional with God.

I don't really know what will come out of this. I hope that it will be productive. I guess we shall see.

In other news, my teacher is convinced that my writing is poor and that I need a lot of practice. My conclusion is that I hate academic papers and I do not invest all of my efforts into them. So now I am expecting a C in that class. Strangely I am okay with that because I can't write in regular English sentences. None of this is real English.

community, a hard pill to swallow

I figure that I should be consistent in my posts. So, here we go...

I havent done too much today. I slept in this morning, went to the dentist, talked online and then went to fuel. After fuel we went to sunbow and had some grub. It was a good time.

I felt a little awkward at Fuel because the topic of the night was community. The sermon was a hard pill to swallow. I still dont know how I feel about it. I feel that I should really invest into the new people within our community. I want the culture to change within our group because it isnt one that reflects the qualities of God. Actually, I think it has the ability to cause people to know God less. That isnt good at all! There are some deep spiritual issues within our community. I dont know where they come from and have no idea what is really going on. All I know is that something needs to change.

Since I know this and have experienced it myself, I have a responsibility to be a part of the change. I guess I have to be a part of the redemption process and that excites me. I might say something at our leadership meeting. I am not sure but I feel that the problem needs to be addressed.

I am a leader and people look up to me, so I need to use that influence to change the culture. I dont think that I am a miracle worker but I think that God could work through me.

We shall see.

It is a long long haul

My mind has been swirling with ideas. I feel like an undecided voter being swayed in both directions. I want to believe. I want to know that God is good. I want the kingdom of God to come and flourish. It's just hard.

Of course, I hate the idea of hurting. In the Bible Jesus says that we will have to. I understand that to know God is to know suffering and know it full well. But I want to be saved from it, whisked away within God's arms. But God is not that kind of savior. When I swallow that idea, it leaves a bitter taste. If He was that kind of savior, though I hate to admit it, there would be no point. We would feel no real pain but not experience any genuine growth.

"Somebody told me that if you life this way it is a long long haul." ~ Voxtrot

Its been a long haul and will continue to be. I hate that it is. The thought of this process lasting years and years makes my soul cringe. I am tired, it feels like its been too long already but I guess it hasn't. More loneliness, suffering and sorrow lays ahead of me. Does it ever really end? I bet it does but in the middle of it all, it seems eternal.

I have been wondering why I have had such a hard time in dealing with the present. I believe that good things wait for me in the future but there is a disconnect between what is happening now and what good will come. I dont feel like I am getting anywhere.

My top strength is adaptability. A concept that comes from that, is that I have a belief that what I do now can change the fate of my future. I create my own destiny. At the moment, I dont feel that anything I am doing is changing anything. I feel like I dont have control over my life because no matter what I do I cannot achieve my dreams.

I have been in the longest season of my life and I see no signs of spring. The snow is still thick, the sky so white and the air stings because its so cold. I am a tree with no leaves, laying dormant. But if God is good, my spring will come.

Dedicated to A-Dray

I appreciate you and I know that you have my back.

I think I know where you are trying to lead me with this whole Adam and Eve thing but a conversation would be helpful. I guess my current bias doesnt allow me to reach those conclusions smoothly so I do need to "talk it out".

Thanks :)

"This is side one, flip me over..."

My anger has officially been redirected from God towards the church and my community.

I had a long talk/cry/anxiety attack with Audrey. It was helpful in sorting out my emotions. It definitely didnt change how I feel. It just redirected those feelings in a more healthy direction. I am displeased in the way that my needs have been ignore by my community and the ways that I have been used by them. I am also upset because I have been putting in a lot of hard work in pursuing God but I feel that he has not been honoring it.

I dont know what all of this means or what conclusion can be drawn. I am still as confused as ever.

My new list.

I have started this post about 400 times. Every line has been deleted except for this one.

I dont know how to describe my thoughts. I am still angry but I have been given the space to talk about it. That makes me feel better. The problems I have with Christianity and the idea of community have come to the surface.

1. I dont feel that the image of God that has been painted for me is consistent with the circumstances of my life.

2. In many situations, I have been forced to justify God's actions and make excuses for him.

3. I don't believe that true community is obtainable because everyone is consumed with their own problems to the point that they will ignore others.

4. The obsessive search for new people to understand God, can cause those who have been long time members to be forgotten.

5. God has not been faithful to the amount of energy and time that I have invested into pursuing him. After 4 years, I feel that God has not honored me because I still lack someone that can keep the same pace of life with me and a true community to be involved in.

6. After seeing me in pain week after week, none of the leaders have made an effort to be a part of my support system. Actually, the majority of people only speak to me when I can provide them with something that they need.

Lately, my only sad moments come when I think of God. I want to move on but its a huge part of my past. It is difficult to let go of beliefs that have enveloped your life. I am over it.

Top 5

I wont dive into religious conflicts in this post. From all of my fans feedback, I know a change of subject might be useful.

Finally my story was reviewed today in class. Most people liked it to the point that it was one of their favorites out of all the ones we have gone through so far. This is special because my story is number 27 out of 31.

There is a student in my class named Freddy who has some awesome but brutal yet insightful comments. When he rose his hand to speak to my piece I was afraid. When he spoke it was all good things. That made my day.

With everything that has happened, I needed this.

Its been a good day.

Its a wonderful life

Man, I love Heroes. It makes me happy.

My happiness has come from distractions. It is not legitimate. I know this full well. But, it feels good.

There are a few things that have gotten in the way. They make it hard to have good feelings, a positive outlook and a peaceful life. I can't handle it anymore. But, I must for that is the way that life is. It gives you shit and you make roses out of it or at least you try.

Is perspective a fools game? Do we simply need to lie to ourselves to have a good life? Do we see all of the pain and suffering in the world and have hope that an invisible God gives a damn? Do we justify the ways that others have hurt us? Do we make up the idea that God's perfect plan is in control of our own lives so that we feel like we are being taken care of? Who knows? Who could ever know?

"The one who says he knows, knows nothing. The one who admits he doesn't know, knows much," sorry that is a paraphrase. In reaction to this quote, I recognize that I don't know shit. All that I thought I knew, I don't know anymore and all that I knew to be true is not necessarily true.

To be optimistic, whatever I do doesn't matter. I follow God and my life is shit (the difference is that I convince myself that it is not) or I stop justifying everything through my Christian lens and my life is shit. What is better, is it a forced ignorance or a devastating honestly?

Its funny to me that the idea of community is suppose to be what helps you know God. I love how my community has gotten together and has made an effort to know where I am at and to help me process what I am going through...wait...they haven't. Oops.

I don't say this to blame anyone. Everyone has their own crap. I don't expect people to drop it to tend to my own wounds. I am just rebellious against the idea of community. It is a social fairytale that has no happily ever after for me.

I do appreciate how some people have been there for me but they serve more as mentors than anything else. They are at a different pace in life and I could never keep up. It just doesn't work like that.

And so it comes full circle. I am still alone and jaded. Oh, it is a wonderful life. Shit, its a wonderful life.

1

Its almost one in the morning. My eyes are heavy and so is my heart. I can't sleep, probably because that is the only thing I desire. Thoughts keep slipping into my mind, ones that I would like to forget forever. This thing called life doesn't seem like it's working. That is why I can't rest my eyes. My soul is restless, sleep won't change anything.

I know I am stubborn, willing to wade in my own shit. I am wrong, of that I am sure but I am unwilling to accept it. I am angry, bitter and jaded; full of anguish and sorrow. Call it emo and add to the problem. Please, make me feel more misunderstood and alone. It would be ironic if you did.

I want to scream out in a cacophony of vulgarity. I am becoming agnostic. Most likely only for the time being. I want nothing to do with all of this. I didn't go to church and it was amazing. I have no desire to pray. I am done, over it, moving on and past it all. Its all bullshit to me now.

Just bullshit.

Done

I have been pondering upon a few ideas on life. None of them have been fully extrapolated and they are probably empty rhetoric anyways.

My direction in life tires me. I have been living outside of my purpose for far too long, trying to find the meaning of it all in the important details of life. I am sure the secrets of the universe are found within the process of you acting out of who you are. The difficulty is that we invoke the use of masks. We try to define the unknown but placing attributes that we know upon it. The problem is that these masks are used within every context of our society. We use them for ourselves, others, concepts and religions. It causes us to live in this delusional world where the truth is hidden.

I have been exploring and meditating on what I believe. My circumstances have given me a crisis of faith. I have had may issues with the idea of God before but a new one has come to the surface. In the bible Jesus says that to follow him we must pick up our cross and deny ourselves. This implies that we will suffer in our pursuit towards God. This doesn't mean that we must be willing to suffer but it seems to be that we have to suffer. To be in relationship with God means that he calls us to be in pain and anguish. It is difficult for me to attach the idea that God desires to bless us and that he has this undeniable love with this concept of a God who desires for us to suffer. There is something disconnected. In these moments I am tired of defending God's character, or making excuses for the way that he is acting.

It seems that interpretation is more important than anything. With situations in our lives we can interpret that God is good or that he isn't. But, who's to say that our own interpretations are true. They are filled with our own bias, hopes and dreams. Our perspective and life experiences have power over the interpretations of our lives. I know for myself. If I were blessed by God in the area of relationships and community. I would interpret him and life a lot differently but because of this past 4 years of relational suffering God is hardly God to me. To be honest, I don't want much to do with these concepts and ideas. For the moment, I am over it.

This does not mean that I desire to spin out into an immoral love fest or anything like that. I am just choosing out at this time. I cannot see how it is worth it. I am blind to the idea that this suffering is out of God's love or ultimate plan. I am sick of a God who sustains your life but omits the very blessings that you need.

Psalms 13

I have a lot to think about, though I don't know how to start.

I am sick of complaining about the same things. There are some issues I have been struggling through for about 4 years now and a few more for about 2 years. In these areas, nothing has changed and if something has, I am blind to it. It is hard for me to follow a God that would allow me to sit in these things, deprive me of living. Actually, the bible itself says that these things are good and necessary in life. The fact that God is working within these should bring me hope but I hate the process that he has taken me through. My patience is waning, I could only have so much. I have being waiting for God to move but I feel like I have not gotten anywhere. And now that my heart feels like it has been run through the dirt, I am having a hard time of remaining optimistic about it all. I have so many questions about God and his character because the way I interpret his actions in my life and the way he is portrayed seems different. I am tired of justifying his character and having to twist my perspective to see God for what he is "suppose" to be. If God is good then I want to know him and know him deeply but I do not know if I can accept that he is. The more I have learned of him, the more my suffering increases and now I am to the point where I feel that I can not take it anymore. I am sure I can and I bet you that I will but how much does life have to suck for me to know God's peace? How many tears filled with anguish must I cry for him to take action in my life?

Psalms 13:1-4
"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,' and my foes will rejoice when I fall."

There is more to this verse but I am not in the place where I can relate with those words. I omit them on purpose, maybe to my own demise.

Jumbled Ramblings of a Pagan

It has been such a long time since I have written in this...sorry to all of my avid readers.

This new semester of school has been a real kick in the pants. I have been derailed, set off course. I dont know exactly what it is that has sent me down this "different" path. Many feelings of anger, frustration and depression have filled me. I am on my path to the dark side.

During the Leadership Cadre over the summer we learned much about our posture in life, the way that we carry ourselves through the tensions we face. I can recognize that my own posture has been poor and that has enabled me to make bad decisions. But that hard thing is that, I am not willing to press through these issues and see where God is. I honestly have little trust or admiration for him at the moment. This is not because I blame him for my problems or even that im frustrated because he isnt just pulling me out of them. I just dont appreciate his timing.

There are two major things that I have desired for so long. My heart aches for them. Of course, these are things that are out of my reach and I personally can not do much to obtain them. They are in fact good things that most people would search after. But apparently it is better for me to not be within these blessings. Its been years since I have been and this path has gotten lonely and it feels that God is totally ok with that. At the moment, I can not be ok with a God who would be ok with that.

Though, I know I dont understand what God is up to and so it is hard to appreciate it. It is unfair to define God in a moment in which I feel separate from him. I am just tired.

Ugh, all of this is depressing me. The thought of God depresses me.

UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH...

I guess that is what happens when you wade through the junk to see God.

The Monster

I still hear his chuckle from time to time. It has been ingrained in my head since my youth. As soon as I forget its pitch, I am reminded again. Its sound is unique, sinister yet playful. Its jagged fangs and uncontrollable salivation make his laugh sound like the hissing of a viper. Though I could not say if he is a serpent or not. I have never seen the beast with my own eyes but I know it is there. The shadows hide him. He is the stealthiest of creatures. His only flaw is that he is obsessed with tormenting the weak. It provides a thrill that feeds the deepest part of his dark soul. If it weren't for his laugh I would know nothing of him...

So this is my idea for the first creative writing project. Just had to slap the keys so that I could work on it more later.

fast forward please.

This week has been the bane of my existence. I believe that once it is over my optimism will seep back in. At least now I do not have work for the rest of the week but I do have some homework that I have to pound out tomorrow. What kinda teacher assigns homework on the first day of class...the bane of my existence does...Dagmar!

philosophical bombs

In my world theology class my professor just dropped a philosophical bomb. He had us turn to 4 people and introduce ourselves. After we finished he then began to analyze the situation. He had a good word about overcoming our petty fears.

This past weekend I was reminded of the fears that consume me. I am afraid of this semester, my work schedule and the new direction of IVCF. I am not disappointed or opposed to any of these things but they do scare me. A new found push towards my own independence leaves me worried about these things. I feel like I will have to do them all own my own. I know I wont have to but I cant help but feel that way.

I am waiting till the dust settles so that I can truly know if I can handle all of these things. But until the dust returns to the ground, the blindness it brings will make me uneasy.

I know there is nothing to fear but my heart needs to know that.

May God have mercy on our souls and grant us the strength to live and live well.

Circumstance

I send out my deepest apologies to all of my avid fans. I know that I have not written in awhile.

It seems to me that the end of my summer can reflect the beginning. I would hope not. It was a rough start but all of the elements are the same. I am not so concerned this time. I dont know why. Though I am in the same circumstances, I have grown a lot this summer. I guess circumstance does not dictate behavior...well at least it doesnt have to.

I met someone who seemed to be a person that I could have a relationship with. We met each other at a kick it. Now that I look back on the whole situation, she isnt the girl for me and in so many ways I am not ready to be in a relationship. Or maybe I am not ready to be with someone that I am not suppose to be with. I used to be ready for that all the time but now its not something that I want. I would rather be alone.

Soon

It has been awhile since I have posted anything. I apologize to all of my millions of die hard fans. I guess I can say that I have been a little bit busy. I have not been processing through my thoughts and feelings lately. But I will...soon.

Ugh my hand hurts

The joys of an unfulfilled American dream...thats a long title and is quite hard to letter.

I need to do...

I do not have much time to lay down my thoughts but I will say this. I have a lot of things that "I need to do." I might as well make a list of these things. It is hard though. I feel as if I do not have the energy to do them. I'll tell ya, a nap sounds a lot better than doing math homework after class, working out, writing and making sure to eat what I should eat. I guess there is no real need to do these things but I think I would rather these things come out of me being me. Maybe I just have to keep on doing them until it becomes something I do naturally or maybe it will just never become natural. I do not know.

I want balance in my life and I would love to figure out how to make a schedule and keep it.

On a depressing note...I missed out on comic con :( At least I had fun with some good friends elsewhere.

"I know" vs. "I feel"

I know that I have many things to say but, at the moment, I do not have the words to say them. I am struggling with having a genuine faith. My emotions are not receiving the results that they desire but my logic knows that getting those results would not be the best for me. They are selfish things that would not help me grow to be in relationship with God but would just be a way to pacify myself. The problem is, since I am not being emotionally fulfilled I have no real desire to be in commune with God. I continually have to pray that God would change my heart so that it would genuinely love Him. This, all of this, makes me feel like I am failing with God. I know that is far from the truth but knowledge does not always help me. I live life by how I feel and what is scary is that my emotions can be more real to me than fact. I fall into my emotions. It is difficult not to because that is how I am wired. Unfortunately, at times you have to step outside of who you are to understand God and others. I am not willing to do this and so I pray continually that I would grow to be. I know that if God doesn't show up in all of this and if he doesn't answer my prayers than I don't have a chance. I need God more than ever to change my heart because I understand that without Him, I truly have nothing. My emotions would rip me to shreds and I would destroy all of the relationships that I have out of my own pain. I would like to think if I hoped enough or did enough that things would change but it is up to God to change me. I have realized this. All I can do is pray and wait for God to do His good work. I know He will but I do not feel like He will.

Pray

I prayed. I prayed for many things, all of which had to do with my heart and my posture in life. I have had a taste of good posture but for the past few days I have chose out of it. I want to see life through that perspective again. I want to communicate with God. My heart is being changed, a tree is sprouting out of it. It will grow slowly but it will grow.

My heart will grow to know God and know Him well.

Nice guys don't finish until they are in their 30's.

Am I willing to be the nice guy at the price of being single?

Yes, yes I am.

I had a conversation on this very matter with one of my friends in my class. I guess her brother is in the same boat that I am in. That is both an encouraging and discouraging idea at the same time. Holding out for the right girl is the way to go but it is hard.

I don't believe in selling out relationally. I am not just going to hook up with someone because I am lonely. It is hard though. I see people I know wasting away within relationships and I get jealous. Why is it that these emotionally irresponsible people can have a taste of love while I just remain in this singleness? I know it is not hopeless. My heart needs to be changed. It really does.

I dont know how all of this came up for me. I do think about it a lot though. I want to know love but I need to know it through God first, which is also hard.

Sleep would be quite glorious at the moment. Don't worry love, we will speak more of this.

Compass

Posture, to maintain a good posture you must pray repeatedly. My prayer has been that God would change my heart. I pray this over and over again every time I can feel that my heart is hard towards something. I desire for my heart to be a compass that points towards God. I believe that many things need to change before that is true but God will do that work within me.

I have been looking for a new church, which is a painful process. I have been burned by many different churches at many different levels. I know that the people that have hurt me the most in life were Christians within the church so it is hard to hope for a church that I could belong in.

I went today to check out a church with a few of my friends. It was pretty cool. My mind was judgmental towards many different things but my heart felt as if it could be there. It seems that as a church they have a healthy posture and so, with God's help, they have the potential to work through their faults. I believe that I can have a place within that process. I am not sure that I will be going to that church. I think it will take some prayer and some time to figure that one out but I can say that for now I am willing to show up and see how it goes.

Work is Work

There are many things to write upon because a lot has happened in the past 12 hours. I wont bore all of my thousands of readers with the details but a vague overview seems appropriate.

Candy
Homosexual Flirtation
"Nice teeth"
Corona
Party Foul
Prospect
"Take one for the team"
"If you sing to her it will help her feel better"
Work is Work

Oh there was more but I would rather not get into it all. I will say this though. I resisted from many things last night. I feel that I have grown in my friendships but have also maintained my integrity. Thats a hard balance when you go clubbing!

Evry Body in da Club Gettin Tipsey

Building trust with your friends can be a messy experience and boy was it messy.

Wise Words from a Fictional Crab

"You look like someone who has traveled far for something that she is just starting to believe in." ~ Pugtug the Crab


I feel that way in life. I have been living for so long but I have just started to understand what life is all about.

Old Thoughts for a New Venue

*I leave a specific online community so that I would not have to sensor myself because of certain people that end up finding me. It is not that I have much to hide but I don't feel that it is appropriate for Junior High students to read some of the things that I have to say. Somehow they always find me. Myspace turned out to be that way so I created a facebook and now facebook has furthered the cycle. So now I have my own blog. Fun times.*

The Glorious Mundane

My life has been ordinary and quite dis-entertaining. I have learned that in times of depression and extreme happiness I have been able to see God but in the boringness of life...I cannot find him. Before I would make problems in my life subconsciously to see God but I cannot do that anymore. I understand how that distorts my view of what it means to be a Christian.

Presently, the only thing that brings me joy is writing. It is prayerful to me. I know that God speaks to me through what I write. My story equates to the story of my life. Currently the issue of perspective and problem solving is being addressed within my story. An emotional crab who sees sideways and a logical halibut who can only see forward are the ones who will lead my main character Sam out of just floating in the ocean to perusing her destiny and redeeming the world. Their unique yet limited perspectives, when combined together, help Sam to continue her journey towards God. I love it.

I have been battling with the idea of perspective. Do I look for God in the beauty that he has made or do I look to be entertained by what the world has made? I hate life when it is boring. I enjoy life when it is exciting. But the question is, is life really boring? No, probably not but we are so over-stimulated that it just appears to be. We have so many distractions available to us that we never have to sit still and know God.

I hope a posture of finding God within the mundane is cultivated within me. I pray that my perspective would be a balance between logic and feelings, that I would be able to see forward and sideways at the same time and that I would grow to be able to sit still and know God.

So here we go...