Ugh my hand hurts

The joys of an unfulfilled American dream...thats a long title and is quite hard to letter.

I need to do...

I do not have much time to lay down my thoughts but I will say this. I have a lot of things that "I need to do." I might as well make a list of these things. It is hard though. I feel as if I do not have the energy to do them. I'll tell ya, a nap sounds a lot better than doing math homework after class, working out, writing and making sure to eat what I should eat. I guess there is no real need to do these things but I think I would rather these things come out of me being me. Maybe I just have to keep on doing them until it becomes something I do naturally or maybe it will just never become natural. I do not know.

I want balance in my life and I would love to figure out how to make a schedule and keep it.

On a depressing note...I missed out on comic con :( At least I had fun with some good friends elsewhere.

"I know" vs. "I feel"

I know that I have many things to say but, at the moment, I do not have the words to say them. I am struggling with having a genuine faith. My emotions are not receiving the results that they desire but my logic knows that getting those results would not be the best for me. They are selfish things that would not help me grow to be in relationship with God but would just be a way to pacify myself. The problem is, since I am not being emotionally fulfilled I have no real desire to be in commune with God. I continually have to pray that God would change my heart so that it would genuinely love Him. This, all of this, makes me feel like I am failing with God. I know that is far from the truth but knowledge does not always help me. I live life by how I feel and what is scary is that my emotions can be more real to me than fact. I fall into my emotions. It is difficult not to because that is how I am wired. Unfortunately, at times you have to step outside of who you are to understand God and others. I am not willing to do this and so I pray continually that I would grow to be. I know that if God doesn't show up in all of this and if he doesn't answer my prayers than I don't have a chance. I need God more than ever to change my heart because I understand that without Him, I truly have nothing. My emotions would rip me to shreds and I would destroy all of the relationships that I have out of my own pain. I would like to think if I hoped enough or did enough that things would change but it is up to God to change me. I have realized this. All I can do is pray and wait for God to do His good work. I know He will but I do not feel like He will.

Pray

I prayed. I prayed for many things, all of which had to do with my heart and my posture in life. I have had a taste of good posture but for the past few days I have chose out of it. I want to see life through that perspective again. I want to communicate with God. My heart is being changed, a tree is sprouting out of it. It will grow slowly but it will grow.

My heart will grow to know God and know Him well.

Nice guys don't finish until they are in their 30's.

Am I willing to be the nice guy at the price of being single?

Yes, yes I am.

I had a conversation on this very matter with one of my friends in my class. I guess her brother is in the same boat that I am in. That is both an encouraging and discouraging idea at the same time. Holding out for the right girl is the way to go but it is hard.

I don't believe in selling out relationally. I am not just going to hook up with someone because I am lonely. It is hard though. I see people I know wasting away within relationships and I get jealous. Why is it that these emotionally irresponsible people can have a taste of love while I just remain in this singleness? I know it is not hopeless. My heart needs to be changed. It really does.

I dont know how all of this came up for me. I do think about it a lot though. I want to know love but I need to know it through God first, which is also hard.

Sleep would be quite glorious at the moment. Don't worry love, we will speak more of this.

Compass

Posture, to maintain a good posture you must pray repeatedly. My prayer has been that God would change my heart. I pray this over and over again every time I can feel that my heart is hard towards something. I desire for my heart to be a compass that points towards God. I believe that many things need to change before that is true but God will do that work within me.

I have been looking for a new church, which is a painful process. I have been burned by many different churches at many different levels. I know that the people that have hurt me the most in life were Christians within the church so it is hard to hope for a church that I could belong in.

I went today to check out a church with a few of my friends. It was pretty cool. My mind was judgmental towards many different things but my heart felt as if it could be there. It seems that as a church they have a healthy posture and so, with God's help, they have the potential to work through their faults. I believe that I can have a place within that process. I am not sure that I will be going to that church. I think it will take some prayer and some time to figure that one out but I can say that for now I am willing to show up and see how it goes.

Work is Work

There are many things to write upon because a lot has happened in the past 12 hours. I wont bore all of my thousands of readers with the details but a vague overview seems appropriate.

Candy
Homosexual Flirtation
"Nice teeth"
Corona
Party Foul
Prospect
"Take one for the team"
"If you sing to her it will help her feel better"
Work is Work

Oh there was more but I would rather not get into it all. I will say this though. I resisted from many things last night. I feel that I have grown in my friendships but have also maintained my integrity. Thats a hard balance when you go clubbing!

Evry Body in da Club Gettin Tipsey

Building trust with your friends can be a messy experience and boy was it messy.

Wise Words from a Fictional Crab

"You look like someone who has traveled far for something that she is just starting to believe in." ~ Pugtug the Crab


I feel that way in life. I have been living for so long but I have just started to understand what life is all about.

Old Thoughts for a New Venue

*I leave a specific online community so that I would not have to sensor myself because of certain people that end up finding me. It is not that I have much to hide but I don't feel that it is appropriate for Junior High students to read some of the things that I have to say. Somehow they always find me. Myspace turned out to be that way so I created a facebook and now facebook has furthered the cycle. So now I have my own blog. Fun times.*

The Glorious Mundane

My life has been ordinary and quite dis-entertaining. I have learned that in times of depression and extreme happiness I have been able to see God but in the boringness of life...I cannot find him. Before I would make problems in my life subconsciously to see God but I cannot do that anymore. I understand how that distorts my view of what it means to be a Christian.

Presently, the only thing that brings me joy is writing. It is prayerful to me. I know that God speaks to me through what I write. My story equates to the story of my life. Currently the issue of perspective and problem solving is being addressed within my story. An emotional crab who sees sideways and a logical halibut who can only see forward are the ones who will lead my main character Sam out of just floating in the ocean to perusing her destiny and redeeming the world. Their unique yet limited perspectives, when combined together, help Sam to continue her journey towards God. I love it.

I have been battling with the idea of perspective. Do I look for God in the beauty that he has made or do I look to be entertained by what the world has made? I hate life when it is boring. I enjoy life when it is exciting. But the question is, is life really boring? No, probably not but we are so over-stimulated that it just appears to be. We have so many distractions available to us that we never have to sit still and know God.

I hope a posture of finding God within the mundane is cultivated within me. I pray that my perspective would be a balance between logic and feelings, that I would be able to see forward and sideways at the same time and that I would grow to be able to sit still and know God.

So here we go...