Jumbled Ramblings of a Pagan

It has been such a long time since I have written in this...sorry to all of my avid readers.

This new semester of school has been a real kick in the pants. I have been derailed, set off course. I dont know exactly what it is that has sent me down this "different" path. Many feelings of anger, frustration and depression have filled me. I am on my path to the dark side.

During the Leadership Cadre over the summer we learned much about our posture in life, the way that we carry ourselves through the tensions we face. I can recognize that my own posture has been poor and that has enabled me to make bad decisions. But that hard thing is that, I am not willing to press through these issues and see where God is. I honestly have little trust or admiration for him at the moment. This is not because I blame him for my problems or even that im frustrated because he isnt just pulling me out of them. I just dont appreciate his timing.

There are two major things that I have desired for so long. My heart aches for them. Of course, these are things that are out of my reach and I personally can not do much to obtain them. They are in fact good things that most people would search after. But apparently it is better for me to not be within these blessings. Its been years since I have been and this path has gotten lonely and it feels that God is totally ok with that. At the moment, I can not be ok with a God who would be ok with that.

Though, I know I dont understand what God is up to and so it is hard to appreciate it. It is unfair to define God in a moment in which I feel separate from him. I am just tired.

Ugh, all of this is depressing me. The thought of God depresses me.

UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH...

I guess that is what happens when you wade through the junk to see God.