It is a long long haul

My mind has been swirling with ideas. I feel like an undecided voter being swayed in both directions. I want to believe. I want to know that God is good. I want the kingdom of God to come and flourish. It's just hard.

Of course, I hate the idea of hurting. In the Bible Jesus says that we will have to. I understand that to know God is to know suffering and know it full well. But I want to be saved from it, whisked away within God's arms. But God is not that kind of savior. When I swallow that idea, it leaves a bitter taste. If He was that kind of savior, though I hate to admit it, there would be no point. We would feel no real pain but not experience any genuine growth.

"Somebody told me that if you life this way it is a long long haul." ~ Voxtrot

Its been a long haul and will continue to be. I hate that it is. The thought of this process lasting years and years makes my soul cringe. I am tired, it feels like its been too long already but I guess it hasn't. More loneliness, suffering and sorrow lays ahead of me. Does it ever really end? I bet it does but in the middle of it all, it seems eternal.

I have been wondering why I have had such a hard time in dealing with the present. I believe that good things wait for me in the future but there is a disconnect between what is happening now and what good will come. I dont feel like I am getting anywhere.

My top strength is adaptability. A concept that comes from that, is that I have a belief that what I do now can change the fate of my future. I create my own destiny. At the moment, I dont feel that anything I am doing is changing anything. I feel like I dont have control over my life because no matter what I do I cannot achieve my dreams.

I have been in the longest season of my life and I see no signs of spring. The snow is still thick, the sky so white and the air stings because its so cold. I am a tree with no leaves, laying dormant. But if God is good, my spring will come.