My new list.

I have started this post about 400 times. Every line has been deleted except for this one.

I dont know how to describe my thoughts. I am still angry but I have been given the space to talk about it. That makes me feel better. The problems I have with Christianity and the idea of community have come to the surface.

1. I dont feel that the image of God that has been painted for me is consistent with the circumstances of my life.

2. In many situations, I have been forced to justify God's actions and make excuses for him.

3. I don't believe that true community is obtainable because everyone is consumed with their own problems to the point that they will ignore others.

4. The obsessive search for new people to understand God, can cause those who have been long time members to be forgotten.

5. God has not been faithful to the amount of energy and time that I have invested into pursuing him. After 4 years, I feel that God has not honored me because I still lack someone that can keep the same pace of life with me and a true community to be involved in.

6. After seeing me in pain week after week, none of the leaders have made an effort to be a part of my support system. Actually, the majority of people only speak to me when I can provide them with something that they need.

Lately, my only sad moments come when I think of God. I want to move on but its a huge part of my past. It is difficult to let go of beliefs that have enveloped your life. I am over it.