I know...it has been a long time.
There is a confusion deep within my soul. It is painful. My tears seep out of my eyes but they originate from the very depth of who I am. I do not know what it means to live. My life has been this array of fake dreams and broken promises.
I smile and suppress all of these feelings. Alcohol, conversations, entertainment, those are my drugs. They are my happy distraction. I hate life. I know I do. The very structures that have been created, the foundations I stand upon have come crumbling down. I don't know how to live anymore. I just know how to dull the pain but that' not living; its dying. So what would be better, living a life of depression or fading away?
The greatest gift of hope and faith are my curse. They are what eat away at my soul and destroy my humanity. I wish I never had them. I wish I could see the word for the fuck up place that it is and not hope for it to be anything more. I wish I could just be normal so that I could be understood but I have to be some weird fuck that people dont understand and that can never be known, never.
Fuck it, no one reads this shit anyways.
Merry Christmas baby Jesus. Can't wait for New Years, this year of redemption is really just a year of being shat on. Thanks for a dying soul, you know it suits me well.
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2 comments:
I thought you told me sometime during this break that you were doing better...
well, thats all done and over with.
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