I loved your name

I love your name
The way it is simple yet unique
and how it sounds like a song

I love your style
The sweet smell of your perfume
and how I would immerse in it
The jewelry that hangs from you
and how it decorates your white skin
The way you wear your clothes
and how you would take them off

I love the way you look
The flawless skin that covers you
and how smooth it is against me
The bright glow of your face
and how its covered with innocence
The way your body is free and revealed
and how its naked next to me

I love your heritage
The way you speak fast Spanish
And how much of your slang I don't know
The way you eat ham with everything
and how what you cook hurts my stomach
The way that our cultures are from the same roots
and how they are just too different

I love the idea of you
I loved the thought of you
But I never loved you at all

???

So the question is, what is the source of happiness? Does it flow out of the universe or emanate from a god? Does it run deeply within ones veins? Or, must you deny yourself your hopes and dreams to obtain it? Can it be achieved through the assistance of another or does it only come from oneself? Is it a decision, an attitude, or simply based on accomplishments? Is it a secret or known by all? Could it ever be mine?

3

TV has a way of healing your problems vicariously through the characters they present. Mallrats made me happy. It just had a way of affirming my lot in life and was a great distraction from loneliness and boredom. Even dorky people like myself find love and are accepted for who they are. I also love their dialog...damn I wish I could speak the way they do!

Something weird happened yesterday. I was at my friends house with whom I have a complicated history. We were watching movies and what not. The guy she was talking to came to her house to pick up his toothbrush so she just went outside and took care of that. To be honest I was a little shocked that she didnt have me meet him...why wouldn't she?

In other news, old news...its hard to move on. It is only hard in these moments...the lonely ones. Other than that I am fine. I really want to talk to her! I dont know why because I dont like her anymore persay. It might be my ego or pride. I am not sure. I just need school to start so I can see some honies haha. 27 bitches...I got some time.

What do I want from you? I cannot answer that question. Do I want the power to say I told you so? Do I want any power at all? Am I looking for an "I love you" or maybe "I hate you and I never want to see you again"?

Closure would be nice but that doesn't come to those who are as confused as I. Sometimes you just have to hold onto simple answers and assume they will explain it all.

I guess its my fault, I was pretty naive to think that my life was beginning to work out. These issues tend to not fix themselves and end so easily. I neglected the true work that needs to be done to have life be full of meaning. I also settled in some ways. I didn't speak my mind enough and "no" should have been said a little more often.

I have also realized that words have little weight to them and that truth can be conditional to circumstance. I just need to be cautious with my heart and realize that my ethereal thoughts do not reflect on reality.

Hahaha, now I feel like I will be 27 the next time I get into a relationship. This notion is based on crude mathematics and a vauge analysis of patterns.

p.s.

Can't blame the big one for this...I did it all on my own.

Almost always...

What does it mean to live and to live well?

I don't know...

Dissatisfied, that is a word I could use to describe my condition. I felt that some of my hopes and dreams were becoming realities but they have remained ethereal. There is a theoretical pause on those dreams, with no certainty that they will come to pass. I have realized that my dissatisfaction is the symptom of one immature desire, to get what I want. I am not getting what I want.

I am at a loss of control or maybe I just never had it to begin with. I have made the decision to leave God as a form of taking control over my life. It didn't work. Yet, my pride will not let me change that decision. This was one of the biggest choices I have made in my life. I don't want to admit that I was wrong in it because then I would have to face God again. No one wants to be wrong. I don't want to be wrong.

I am wrong.
Almost always.

I do...

I do not know what I want...but I know that I do not want this.

"Don't be a liar. Don't say that everything is working when everything is broken...your eyes say the jokes on me."

Yesterday should have been one month of going out...but it wasn't. That's just the way life is sometimes. The things that are supposed to happen don't. We have been emotionally acting as if we are still together but then there is no intimacy that would come with a relationship. So I guess we are this weird form of friends with benefits, without the benefits...kinda. I mean its totally nice to have someone to hang and talk with but I cannot see myself being satisfied with the place we are at. I will always want more. For the most part I have moved on but a part of me is still hoping and wishing to be with her. The expectations are still at the level that they were when we were talking/going out. I don't think that is fair to the both of us but I we don't know how to be anything else. So for now its fine but...what happens when one of us find a significant other? We won't be able to have the same relationship we do now, things will drastically change. We had a long talk about our relationship. It left me sad in the end.

Actually, I have been pretty sad lately in general. Vegas was sweet...but then I sprained my ankle...on the first night. I got so mad too because everyone wanted me to do all the stuff they were doing but I could barely walk. I hate when people don't take no for an answer...I feel that I get little respect from them. I am still mad at some people because of that whole situation. I actually yelled at them...that never happens. There are certain people that expect that I go if they invite me somewhere. If I can't, I can't, so fucking get over it.

***

I guess you were just a glimmer of hope...

Over 2 years of waiting for this moment...

Wish me luck...I am asking a girl out tonight ;)

123

I just wrote some ethereal bullshit. Ok, its time to be straight up.

I feel lonely, for several reasons.

1) I have cut out a lot of friends in my life because they were unhealthy relationships. Most of them are not destructive but are also not constructive. I need to be surrounded by people that I can laugh with but also share deep moments with. I am sorry, but a lot of people just cannot meet those needs. Because of this, my friends are few. I don't get to hang out with them often because they have complicated schedules. I frequently feel lonely.

2) There is this looming confusion with Yarely. Last week was just awesome with her. We connected a lot and I saw a very different side of her. We were intimate and I felt like I had a lot of her attention. This week, I feel the opposite. I am a lot more affectionate than I thought I was so her being a little more closed off has made me really sad. (I admit that this could be overanalysis)

3) I have lost my intentionality with people. I have this fear that they will end up dissapointing so I do not make the effort to hangout with people.

Its funny how things go.

This semester, ironically, is turning out to be my best one at swc.

OMG I cant believe I like one of Demi Lovato's songs...

I am so dumb. I dont know why I was so worried. I guess my amazing imagination can be self destructive. I guess she didnt forget...

:)

dead.

I am still in the grave. Today, Easter, is supposed to be the day of resurrection but I am still dead.

A Week of Drinking and Other Forms of Debauchery

I don't want to go back to the life of being depressed and I am doing all of the wrong things to avoid it. The feelings creep inside and force their way out. Yesterday I was all tears. Some of the reasons where obvious but others I could not place. I realized something, I don't think its going to work between Yarely and I. That crushed me. It is just the wrong timing and I have come to understand that full well.

Fuck.

Every blessing is always a let down, tainted with circumstance.

In the Middle of the Cross Fade

Transitions are painful when they are too quick or too slow. Lately, I have been stuck in this purgatory, waiting for the good changes to come. Southwestern has been good to me. I have made a lot of friends, gotten my shit together and might end up having my next girlfriend from there(that will be discussed late in this post). Though many good things have happened, a lot of bad things have plagued me there too. It is time for me to embrace those good things and move past the bad ones. In this reflective moment, a lot of emotions are swirling within me. I want to smile and cry and laugh and clench my teeth in a torrent of emotions. So much life has been lived at swc. I have become a man because of that place. The scars are the proof of that.

This last semester is dragging though. I find little motivation to press forward. Just getting out now would be good. Many positive things have come out of it I know, just like my other years at swc. I am just ready to move on but I don't know how or what that will look like. The idea of going to State is surreal. It makes no sense to me because swc seems to be all I know. I didn't want to go at first. I wanted to say, "fuck sd!" and move to sf. That plan was ruined but I am growing to be okay with that, theoretically. That idea goes under the "we'll see" category.

I met a girl, or maybe she met me. Her name is Yarely. She is absolutely beautiful. We both think that we would be really good for each other. We both like each other as well. Hanging out with her is so easy. There is so much laughter but then so many moments of depth. I feel like she gets me and I understand her. There is some confusion in the situation though. She is afraid of losing the freedom of her youth and I am afraid of loosing the independence that comes with being single and enjoying it. Petty concerns I think yet they do strangle us with thoughts of doubt. We need time, to ride it out but that's hard. I know that I can get over my independence issue but it is unclear if she can without resenting me. I don't mind waiting for something good or even slowly transitioning but this is truly a mystery. When you step into a dark room, you never know when you will reach the opposite wall. All you can do is reach your arms out and keep walking slowly.

Actually I am sure that life would be a billion times easier if I didn't like her but it wouldn't be as fun. We have so much fun. Lately, I haven't put any hope in anything and I am afraid to. I don't want to be let down like I have before. Those letdowns changed the direction in my life and believe me, that was a rough transition. I guess I just know that if anyone gets hurt in this situation it is going to be me. Am I willing to take that risk? For her, I am and that scares the living shit out of me. I wish I could take these feelings away and just cherish the independence I have but it seems to me that I need to embrace the confusion and take some risks in life, even if I will epically fail in the end. To me, the potential is worth investigating. I am willing to ride the wave and see what it turns into. I am afraid it will be a tsunami, but hell, that would be one amazing ride.

I don't know what to do other than just keep on doing what I am doing. I hate that. I wish I could be proactive and somehow move things closer to a conclusion. I realize the little power I have over my life. It is daunting and terrifying. I just want answers but those answers may stab me in the heart or actually patch up its wounds.

Transition, cross fade.

realizations

In retrospect...I hate my curly hair. It just looked bad! Ugh! No wonder girls didnt like me hahaha.

Short Hair = Good.

Good = Short Hair.

End of story.

wewewewew

Oh man oh man. Times have been pretty good. I am quite angered at my coworkers for being lame and not getting my back when I always get theirs...but its ok. I need the hours...I just wanted to go out tonight.

The group project I did was awesome. I am glad my group backed me up and helped with the work and stuff. I know I sound like a cocky bastard but the project was my idea, I delegated what to do and I am the one that led the presentation in class. I tore that shit up :) We are gonna get an A+ mos def. It made me so secure about my future career. I am going make a great teacher. I feel that's where I need to be.

In a lot of ways, life feels like its coming together.

Can I have 2 big burgers plain, add bbq sauce, onion straws and on a wheat bun please.

Just killin some time with a half-hearted post...

I want to collect some of the music that I listen to in the 90s' and in the beginning of the 00s'.

OMG I am listening to kermit singing creep by radio head! I love it!

Things have been pretty good lately. After work last night I went with kris and Vic to the Lion's Den after work. We threw back a few beers and a shot of the drink of my people, it was nice. Afterwards Kris and I went to Carl's and got some grub. Hahaha, it was sooooo funny cause the drive thru lady knew we were a little messed up. I drove past the window hahah and had to reverse back. She laughed so much at us. It was great. Kris and I ate in my car and just laughed it up. The freaking jerk poured ketchup all over my fries and I hate that stuff! So I didnt eat any of them really. But man, we just laughed and laughed and laughed.

The food helped a lot to sober me up and so then I went home. My dad was up..3:15ish in the morning...cause he couldnt sleep. But it was all good. I went to bed and then here I am now.

Good yet simple times.

new

So I think I am ready to begin processing on life and the recent changes that have occurred. This year has been a new one. Its been quite different. I am beginning to restructuring my life, trying to figure out what I am living for. For so long my purpose for existence has been wrapped around the idea of religion. I just don't believe in that stuff anymore and so I feel the need to discover what my new purpose is. How you go about doing that...I have no idea whatsoever. That is okay though, I am quite excited about the journey and who I am taking it with.

It is so funny to me how quickly the christian community forgets those who were immersed within it. Intentionality is dead and gone and I am ready to move on. Let's see how it goes...

btw...last night was ridiculous. It was so nice to hold your hand. It brought a smile to my face.

I wanna go back to the good life.

I met a girl. Shes quite beautiful.

My poet. My lioness.

She doesn't fix everything in my life. But I definitely laugh and smile more. She is really cool but I have no idea where this is gonna end up. So I guess, "we'll see."

:)

dont like that i like

I don't like that I am interested in someone. I think it just makes everything more complicated. Believe me, I do not need life to be more complicated.

Ugh I hate my emotions. They are so strong and just represent themselves physically too often.

sleep?

skies

I need to be on my way soon. Work has a way of sucking up my time.

Tainted. I love how "blessings" become festering wounds. Chicks before dicks right? I knew that once you didn't need me anymore, that you would slowly drift away. I can't help to be jealous on principle but I don't want what you have because it conveys a hint of falseness.

Oh if I could get lost in the skies, fade away and be one with the ever calming blue. Then maybe this misery would end.

I have a deep love for dashboard confessional, just this infinite appreciation for the lyrics.

BTW...I don't want to go at all, not at all.

Oh man, I guess there is a first for everything.

I don't like throwing up.

"Give it up to God"

It has been awhile...

I had a conversation with Sarah last night. It was interesting. At times it was rough, with awkward silences and passionate moments but overall it was needed. We talked about where I am at in my life.

I feel that things are getting progressively worse. I don't necessarily believe that my decisions are the problem but it is the feelings that are behind them. I can not emotionally come to a place where I can trust God. This causes me to use other outlets. How can you deal with you stress if you have the inability to "give it up to God." The reason why people have sex, do drugs, drink and take some puffs from a cigarette is because they don't trust God. I have done some of these things, definetly not all of them.

I want to be chased and rescued but that won't happen. I think there is this expectation of me picking myself from my own bootstraps and figuring it out on my own. I guess I just have this expectation that the people I have poured my life into will pour some life back into me. I sarcastically appreciate the collective effort of my community. I don't even know if I can call them that anyways. They piss me off and I am not gonna take their crap anymore.

I used to be a dreamer filled with hope and vission. Now, I just want to cloud it all and never hope again. The pain is too much to live with. Though, I can't even see a reason for life anyways. I know I am too much of a chicken to slit my writs but I do want to die. When I step into being who I am, the world rejects it and I am left wretched and alone. If I can't be myself, whats the point. My family will never be healed, I will never feel like I belong and I will never ever know God.

So let me die, let people cry and lets get on with our very lives.

the first post of the new year

So it is the new year and I will say that things are definitely new. I have made a few decisions because of the events that transpired and did not transpire in 2008. I do not follow God anymore. I cannot stop believing in him because it is so ingrained within me but I can stop following. I am doing my own thing, exploring different ideas and learning what it means to be a regular twenty something. I don't know if it is a better life. I am still miserable but that is a given. When your life was written to be a tragedy, your dreams will always be crushed.

I am not going to go crazy with this new found freedom. I am not gonna just hook up with someone. I have an understanding that relationships don't fix anything. When I drink, I just get a good buzz because getting drunk is retarded. I will try and treat people with the same respect but now I will chose to not be walked all over. I have learned that I am a quality person, deep and caring. You can't just throw those qualities around. They are special and deserve to be appreciated. I would rather be lonely then under appreciated.

I guess I just have this understanding that my hopes, dreams and expectations will never come into fruition. It just does not work that way. This world was made for realists, not for people like me. Because of my continuing circumstances, my innocence and hopefulness have been sacrificed to make room for reality and experience. This world is a shitty place, period. If redemption doesn't come for the individual then how could it ever come for society. It does not.

I have decided to hold on to the good moments and not expect anything else to come, to cherish what I have and just learn how to live life. My parents, especially my father, will always fail me, my friends will never be able to carry my paralyzed body to Jesus and, at this point, I don't believe that love will find its way to me. Life really isn't worth living. It is not worth the pain or sorrow. Every good thing it could bread is tainted with sin and death. All I can do is make the best of it.

2009, a year without god.