the first post of the new year

So it is the new year and I will say that things are definitely new. I have made a few decisions because of the events that transpired and did not transpire in 2008. I do not follow God anymore. I cannot stop believing in him because it is so ingrained within me but I can stop following. I am doing my own thing, exploring different ideas and learning what it means to be a regular twenty something. I don't know if it is a better life. I am still miserable but that is a given. When your life was written to be a tragedy, your dreams will always be crushed.

I am not going to go crazy with this new found freedom. I am not gonna just hook up with someone. I have an understanding that relationships don't fix anything. When I drink, I just get a good buzz because getting drunk is retarded. I will try and treat people with the same respect but now I will chose to not be walked all over. I have learned that I am a quality person, deep and caring. You can't just throw those qualities around. They are special and deserve to be appreciated. I would rather be lonely then under appreciated.

I guess I just have this understanding that my hopes, dreams and expectations will never come into fruition. It just does not work that way. This world was made for realists, not for people like me. Because of my continuing circumstances, my innocence and hopefulness have been sacrificed to make room for reality and experience. This world is a shitty place, period. If redemption doesn't come for the individual then how could it ever come for society. It does not.

I have decided to hold on to the good moments and not expect anything else to come, to cherish what I have and just learn how to live life. My parents, especially my father, will always fail me, my friends will never be able to carry my paralyzed body to Jesus and, at this point, I don't believe that love will find its way to me. Life really isn't worth living. It is not worth the pain or sorrow. Every good thing it could bread is tainted with sin and death. All I can do is make the best of it.

2009, a year without god.