I have a deep love for dashboard confessional, just this infinite appreciation for the lyrics.

BTW...I don't want to go at all, not at all.

Oh man, I guess there is a first for everything.

I don't like throwing up.

"Give it up to God"

It has been awhile...

I had a conversation with Sarah last night. It was interesting. At times it was rough, with awkward silences and passionate moments but overall it was needed. We talked about where I am at in my life.

I feel that things are getting progressively worse. I don't necessarily believe that my decisions are the problem but it is the feelings that are behind them. I can not emotionally come to a place where I can trust God. This causes me to use other outlets. How can you deal with you stress if you have the inability to "give it up to God." The reason why people have sex, do drugs, drink and take some puffs from a cigarette is because they don't trust God. I have done some of these things, definetly not all of them.

I want to be chased and rescued but that won't happen. I think there is this expectation of me picking myself from my own bootstraps and figuring it out on my own. I guess I just have this expectation that the people I have poured my life into will pour some life back into me. I sarcastically appreciate the collective effort of my community. I don't even know if I can call them that anyways. They piss me off and I am not gonna take their crap anymore.

I used to be a dreamer filled with hope and vission. Now, I just want to cloud it all and never hope again. The pain is too much to live with. Though, I can't even see a reason for life anyways. I know I am too much of a chicken to slit my writs but I do want to die. When I step into being who I am, the world rejects it and I am left wretched and alone. If I can't be myself, whats the point. My family will never be healed, I will never feel like I belong and I will never ever know God.

So let me die, let people cry and lets get on with our very lives.