OMG I cant believe I like one of Demi Lovato's songs...

I am so dumb. I dont know why I was so worried. I guess my amazing imagination can be self destructive. I guess she didnt forget...

:)

dead.

I am still in the grave. Today, Easter, is supposed to be the day of resurrection but I am still dead.

A Week of Drinking and Other Forms of Debauchery

I don't want to go back to the life of being depressed and I am doing all of the wrong things to avoid it. The feelings creep inside and force their way out. Yesterday I was all tears. Some of the reasons where obvious but others I could not place. I realized something, I don't think its going to work between Yarely and I. That crushed me. It is just the wrong timing and I have come to understand that full well.

Fuck.

Every blessing is always a let down, tainted with circumstance.

In the Middle of the Cross Fade

Transitions are painful when they are too quick or too slow. Lately, I have been stuck in this purgatory, waiting for the good changes to come. Southwestern has been good to me. I have made a lot of friends, gotten my shit together and might end up having my next girlfriend from there(that will be discussed late in this post). Though many good things have happened, a lot of bad things have plagued me there too. It is time for me to embrace those good things and move past the bad ones. In this reflective moment, a lot of emotions are swirling within me. I want to smile and cry and laugh and clench my teeth in a torrent of emotions. So much life has been lived at swc. I have become a man because of that place. The scars are the proof of that.

This last semester is dragging though. I find little motivation to press forward. Just getting out now would be good. Many positive things have come out of it I know, just like my other years at swc. I am just ready to move on but I don't know how or what that will look like. The idea of going to State is surreal. It makes no sense to me because swc seems to be all I know. I didn't want to go at first. I wanted to say, "fuck sd!" and move to sf. That plan was ruined but I am growing to be okay with that, theoretically. That idea goes under the "we'll see" category.

I met a girl, or maybe she met me. Her name is Yarely. She is absolutely beautiful. We both think that we would be really good for each other. We both like each other as well. Hanging out with her is so easy. There is so much laughter but then so many moments of depth. I feel like she gets me and I understand her. There is some confusion in the situation though. She is afraid of losing the freedom of her youth and I am afraid of loosing the independence that comes with being single and enjoying it. Petty concerns I think yet they do strangle us with thoughts of doubt. We need time, to ride it out but that's hard. I know that I can get over my independence issue but it is unclear if she can without resenting me. I don't mind waiting for something good or even slowly transitioning but this is truly a mystery. When you step into a dark room, you never know when you will reach the opposite wall. All you can do is reach your arms out and keep walking slowly.

Actually I am sure that life would be a billion times easier if I didn't like her but it wouldn't be as fun. We have so much fun. Lately, I haven't put any hope in anything and I am afraid to. I don't want to be let down like I have before. Those letdowns changed the direction in my life and believe me, that was a rough transition. I guess I just know that if anyone gets hurt in this situation it is going to be me. Am I willing to take that risk? For her, I am and that scares the living shit out of me. I wish I could take these feelings away and just cherish the independence I have but it seems to me that I need to embrace the confusion and take some risks in life, even if I will epically fail in the end. To me, the potential is worth investigating. I am willing to ride the wave and see what it turns into. I am afraid it will be a tsunami, but hell, that would be one amazing ride.

I don't know what to do other than just keep on doing what I am doing. I hate that. I wish I could be proactive and somehow move things closer to a conclusion. I realize the little power I have over my life. It is daunting and terrifying. I just want answers but those answers may stab me in the heart or actually patch up its wounds.

Transition, cross fade.

realizations

In retrospect...I hate my curly hair. It just looked bad! Ugh! No wonder girls didnt like me hahaha.

Short Hair = Good.

Good = Short Hair.

End of story.

wewewewew

Oh man oh man. Times have been pretty good. I am quite angered at my coworkers for being lame and not getting my back when I always get theirs...but its ok. I need the hours...I just wanted to go out tonight.

The group project I did was awesome. I am glad my group backed me up and helped with the work and stuff. I know I sound like a cocky bastard but the project was my idea, I delegated what to do and I am the one that led the presentation in class. I tore that shit up :) We are gonna get an A+ mos def. It made me so secure about my future career. I am going make a great teacher. I feel that's where I need to be.

In a lot of ways, life feels like its coming together.